Love, loss, and permission to keep living. That was the inspiration behind this song.
I've written and erased this a few times now. Its not easy to explain what this song is about. I do have permission to share the back story, but at the same time I'd like to keep the details vague out of respect for those closely involved.
There was a friend I worked closely with. We played music together. One day I woke up to a call that his wife had committed suicide at their home.
It still feels awful to remember, and yet it wasn't me. It wasn't my life, my husband, my sister. But the fact that this woman, who was loved, who was someone else's sister, daughter, lover... the fact that she felt the next right thing was to end her life, was so shocking, so unexpected, and so permanent...and my heart just ached so badly for him.
I really hurt for my friend.
One evening he told me more about her mental state at the time of her death, and shared with me some things she had written in her suicide note. Although he let me read it, I don't remember exactly what she said. What I remember is that she believed, truly believed, she was doing this to set him free, and that she really loved him.
I thought of him often, and he eventually took himself to Costa Rica on a surf trip. I'd think about him out on the water, grieving the loss of his wife and best friend, battling the guilt he must have felt over not knowing what she was planning, and then ultimately releasing himself to simply exist, to let the waves carry him, and tolerate the passing of time.
And I thought of her, loving him, singing to him, telling him it was OK to live, OK to love again, and to tell his story. I thought of her whispering in his ear "It's alright by me, go ahead and find your own."
-in remembrance of Victoria